


Ink on the page

by shieldbearer



Series: Shame on you, Steve. Forever yours [3]
Category: Captain America, Hawkeye-Fandom
Genre: Alpha Steve Rogers, Alpha trapped inside the body of an Omega, Alpha/Omega, Angry Steve Rogers, Clint Barton Feels, Clint Needs a Hug, Clint's past, Diary/Journal, Implied Mpreg, Kid Clint Barton, M/M, Omega Clint Barton, Omega Verse, Protective Phil Coulson, Sad Clint, Strong Omega, Understanding Steve, non-consensual bonding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-20
Updated: 2017-04-20
Packaged: 2018-10-21 23:18:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10684953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shieldbearer/pseuds/shieldbearer
Summary: Clint – an Omega with the mindset of an Alpha – was bonded to Steve against his will. With the first chance he had, he ran away. During the search for his Omega, Steve makes an unexpected discovery: Clint writes diary..





	Ink on the page

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome back, everyone! And everyone who is new here: Of course, you are welcome too. You can read this as a standalone or as a part of my series “Shame on you Steve. Forever yours.” Please, be aware that English is not my mother tongue.  
> So this oneshot is an experiment. Wanted to try something new. Took me longer than I thought and I’m pretty nervous what you think about it. Hope you like it :)

“Where is Clint?” Enraged, Steve stormed into the common room where Tony and Natasha were enjoying their first cup of coffee of the morning.

The tired expression of the billionaire who had – as so often – preferred to spend the night with tinkering instead of sleeping changed into a sneer. He knew exactly where the archer was – or better said where he wasn’t.

Just having wanted to fix a bug of his newest armor, he had forgotten time. It had been already early in the morning when he had been on his way to his level when he had seen a shadow sneaking hastily through the corridors.

Silently, he had followed him and had noticed to his astonishment that it was Clint. Considering the time of the day and the behavior of the man who had turned out to be an Omega not long ago, he had known immediately that he was on his way out of the Avengers Tower and that he definitely wasn’t allowed to do so.

Tony should have stopped him but he wouldn’t dream of it. Inwardly, he was happy for Clint. Sure, he was a little bit worried what would be in store for the Omega outside on his own too, but first and foremost he was happy that the archer didn’t simply give in and turned into an obedient Omega just because Steve demanded it.

Clint had managed to fool them, his family, about what he really was for a very long time, so he was convinced that Clint would make it in the big, wide world too. Oh, he missed the dark blond archer with his pouty mouth and partly cheeky, partly pensive attitude already. But he understood and respected his decision.

The Alpha known as Iron Man might have a hard shell but a soft core. His heart was definitely not made out of iron – unlike the Captain’s seemed to be. Maybe he should rename him into Captain Relentless or Captain Zero-Empathy. At least, Tony was of the opinion that this would be more appropriate for the Super Soldier when he had heard how Steve and Clint had bonded – or better said how Steve had claimed Clint not letting him a choice.

The billionaire and the soldier had a huge argument about it. But in the end, it didn’t lead to anything except for Clint feeling even worse as he blamed himself to be the reason for the Avengers arguing. The bonding was for eternity. Not the best argument of the world could have changed anything about that. Still, the genius had had the urge to tell Steve his opinion with his very forthright manner and it had ended almost with a fist fight.

Tony simply had a completely different way of view how Omegas should be treated. He had always been a visionary and that not only when it came up to subjects about technique. For quite a while now, he was happily bonded with Pepper. Back then, he had made a romantic proposal and she had, luckily, said yes when he had asked her if she wanted to be his Omega. Traditional Alphas had laughed about him as an Alpha didn’t have to ask for anything and least of all an Omega for his or her will. They could take what they wanted. So why ask? But as already said: Tony was a visionary. He had the dream that one day Alphas, Betas, and also Omegas could live together in harmony and have the same rights as every human being was created equally and free. No one should be judged by a particular gender.

So because of this, he didn’t tell the furious Alpha that Clint had escaped, never would come back and enjoyed it seeing Steve running around like a chicken with its head cut off and searching his Omega everywhere.

Tony let only Natasha in on what he knew. The woman started to grin as spiteful as the owner of the Avengers Tower. It was the first time her sorrowful look which she had since Clint became Steve’s Omega changed into a smile albeit not a friendly one. As it had broken her heart to see Clint skulk around through the building being only a shadow of his former self and having lost completely his light-hearted attitude, she had started a fight with Steve as well and had only stopped when Clint – white as a sheet - had dragged her away and told her with silent voice that he wasn’t worth to get into troubles.

Natasha’s heart had skipped a beat as she had thought Clint meant himself and had given himself up but to her relief, he hadn’t spoken of himself and actually only had wanted to tell her that Steve wasn’t worth it to waste time with him. But even if Clint was right, she would have done anything for him to see him only once again smile but as the mating was irreversible, she only could bring out her disapprove and condemn his behavior as the laws didn’t.

Actually, there had been a new paragraph added not long ago that forbade non-consensual matings. But what should the judges do when an Alpha claimed, despite it, an Omega against his will? Letting him pay a fine to the Omega? This wasn’t a suitable sentence. First of all, it wouldn’t make anything better for the Omega as he couldn’t lead a fine life with the money as he had still to be together with the Alpha. And second, as Omegas didn’t work, the Alpha had to pay for everything for his partner anyway and was responsible for maintenance. So there wouldn’t be a big difference.

The other opportunity which was left was to send the Alpha into prison – unfortunately, that didn’t make any sense either. The unlucky Omega would have to follow his owner there as he needed him. So, as a result, the Alpha and the Omega would both be imprisoned and locked together away into a small cell, causing that both of them had to be very close all day. In the end, this would turn out as a punishment for the innocent Omega.

So as noble as the paragraph was meant to be and as forward-thinking it was, it was useless. Not realizable. Sometimes reality and well-intended laws simply weren’t compatible.

Moreover, most judges were very powerful Alphas who, of course, interpreted the laws in favor of the accused. The few Betas that had made it into a higher position in court weren’t appointed to judge such cases at all, with the argumentation that they weren’t professionally qualified as they would be only to a limited extend able to put themselves in the position of Alphas and Omegas and therefore wouldn’t really understand the whole problematic issue. Though they would have been the most impartial of all to judge.

 

When Steve in his desperation where his Omega could be even had a look into the ceiling vents, the billionaire who had watched the search silently couldn’t hold back anymore and said without even trying to hide his malicious joy: “No wonder that Clint took a flight. I also wouldn’t want to be with a deranged guy who seriously thinks that a good hideout is inside the air ducts.” Angrily, Steve jumped down the ladder he had used to reach the vent, grabbed the giggling man at his collar and shook him when he asked threateningly: “Where is he? What do you know? Tell me!” The dark haired didn’t let himself being intimidated by this and went only on with his provocations: “Well obviously your “precious” Omega has preferred to abscond after only one week. That’s a new record. Or no, actually, I’ve never heard of any Omega who has been able to run away. Apparently, you were too slow to catch him..” His scornful smile broadened even more and he freed himself from Steve’s grip before he added mischievously “old man” as he knew that the soldier couldn’t stand this, linked arms with Natasha, and left laughingly the room.

It was better this way, as Steve couldn’t suppress his wrath and erupted into anger, smashing everything he could reach. Wooden chairs flew through the air and splintered on the wall as well as the following mugs, and plates did before he simply took the whole table, knocked it over and made kindling out of it. He raged. However, his destructive frenzy wasn’t caused because he was angry about Clint laying him open to ridicule by leaving him. Sure, he was angry about this as well but he felt mainly helpless and disappointed. He wanted his Omega back. No, he wanted his friend back but they could never become friends again if Clint disappeared forever and didn’t let them the opportunity to sort things out.

When nothing was left inside the room that he could destroy, he breathed heavily and did his best to calm down. A couple of seconds, he stood inside the chaos he had caused. But then, he headed for Clint’s room with the hope to have an inspiration about Clint’s whereabouts there, not bothering to clean up the mess. He had to find Clint and he obviously couldn’t expect the help of the others. Fear for his beloved Omega mixed into his only slowly disappearing mix of anger and disappointment and made him quicken his pace. If anything would happen to Clint now, he never would be able to forgive it himself.

Bruce whom he met on his way to Clint’s room, and his comment that he better should hurry to find Clint as it could get life-endangering even without outside influences like other Alphas if an Omega abandoned his Alpha, wasn’t helpful at all to expel his worries.

Finally, he had made it to the archer’s room. It was rather small although Tony had offered a whole story just for him when he moved in. Only, the headstrong archer had locked all rooms and used just one. He said he didn’t need more.

Inside, was utter chaos. Everywhere were laying arrows or parts of it. You had to move very carefully to don’t push over the bow stand which didn’t only contain a lot of different kind of bows but also took quite a lot of space in this small area. It was an art of its own to don’t step onto a sharp arrowhead. Dirty laundry was scattered everywhere on the floor, the chair, and desk where additionally cups with old coffee piled up. Steve shook his head. As accurate the archer was during his missions as chaotic he was in his private life. Although he had often seen how his room looked like, he kept being marveled how someone could make such a mess and simply pushed the fact that he just had himself left a room behind that looked like a bomb had exploded in it aside.

Not knowing where to start his search, he let himself sink into the mattress of the small bed which, for whatever the reason, stood in the middle of the room and which Clint sometimes entitled – just for fun - as his nest.

At the moment he sat down, something underneath him made clonk and fell to the ground. Curious, what it could be, the soldier laid down on his belly and looked under the bed. As it was too dark down there, he simply reached with his hands under it and pulled disgusted already worn but not washed boxer shorts out from there. A second, he looked at them, whispering “Oh Clint..” but then simply threw them behind him as it wouldn’t make a difference, and went on searching for an object that could have caused the sound he had heard. Next to dust was only one thing left: a small, well-thumbed book which seemed to have been hidden between the mattress and the bedframe and had fallen down when the soldier had let himself fall onto the bed.

He took it, sat back on the bed, puffed a dust bunny out of his hair and turned the old book curiously in his hands. Clint wasn’t the person who read books and what was even more suspicious: there wasn’t a title on the cover which showed an illustration for kids. With his curiousness growing even bigger, the Captain opened the book on the spur of the moment and flicked through it.

Astonished, he noted that the majority of the pages were densely written with his partner’s handwriting. The remaining pages were empty. There was only one explanation: This had to be Clint’s diary! But seriously? No, that couldn’t be. This didn’t correspond to the usual attitude of the archer. He and writing diary.. Come on.. Never!

Still astounded, Steve turned his find to and fro. Again, he flipped through the pages. The first ones were filled with a scrawly child’s handwriting. As further he went to the end as more grown-up and more determined went the writing. The soldier couldn’t believe his eyes but he held undeniably the evidence in his hands that Clint was keeping a journal. A slight smile showed on his tensed face. Clint surprised him again and again anew. Apparently, he had sometimes the need to talk to someone but had no one and therefore, entrusted himself to this book. Steve’s smile died. In a team should be neither secrets nor trust issues. Clint should have talked to him but he hadn’t and he would bet that the reason for doing so was the fact that he had wanted to keep up the illusion of being an Alpha. How afraid must he have been that someone would abuse the knowledge of him being an Omega if he even hadn’t trusted the Avengers – his family – enough to talk to them?

Suddenly, anger rose inside Steve. But not about Clint. About himself. Didn’t the way he had mated Clint confirm that the dark blond Omega had been right with keeping it a secret? That he couldn’t trust anyone? Sure, he had only done what he had believed to be the right thing: Clint had been an unbonded Omega. He had needed a protective Alpha and who would have been better for it than a Super Soldier? But had it been the right thing to do so? To mate against Clint’s will? Could an Omega decide what was good at all or was this task only for Alphas? Had he been too brutal? Could he really believe with a clear conscience that he had done the right thing?

His features hardened and a strange, uneasy feeling crept over him. He had to find Clint and talk with him about this mess. He had to explain himself, even if he didn’t know himself what had let him be so egoistic and unrelenting.

Jumping up full of energy, he wanted to continue his search but his glance fell upon the book he was still holding in his hands. If he should..? Just a glimpse..? Maybe he would find a hint about Clint’s current whereabouts inside of it?

Being well aware that this was extremely private, he hesitated.

But didn’t Clint have blue ink of a ballpoint on his left hand short before he disappeared? Couldn’t it be that he had written something hastily into his journal and had accidentally smudged his entry by doing so?

He opened the diary again and turned to the last entry. On the way there, his gaze got caught at another page as he read his own name. It said:

> _Steve allows me to spend time in my room. MY room.. How generous.. Noo I’m not sarcastic.. I guess he really thinks he’s nice. But this is exactly what I never wanted: That an Alpha gives the ok where and when I’m allowed to go. I’m not a child anymore._

The man about whom the text was, lowered the diary. For a moment, he stared into space not being sure if he wanted to read what Clint thought about him. It obviously weren’t nice things. On the other side, this diary could be the key to find his Omega and additionally, it could be the key to Clint’s heart. It could help him to understand him.

Steve braced himself and flipped to the very first page. He had made a decision: he wanted to get to know the true side of the archer. How often had he wished to be able to read the thoughts of the tight-lipped man? Countless times. And now he had the chance to do so.

Holding unconsciously his breath, he started with the first entry Clint had made with pencil on his seventh birthday:

> _7 th January 1978_
> 
> _Mommy gave me this as a present. Barney laughed about it. Mommy says I should write down my thoughts. Don’t know… Would have preferred darts. But dad says I would never hit the target. Cake was awesome. My favorite. Daddy got pretty drunk. He said he has to ~~celle~~ ~~celp~~ celebrate. Not sure if he meant my birthday. I smashed a glass. He yelled at me. But he didn’t punch me. Gosh, I love having birthdays!_

The reader’s face went from smiling about the young and innocent Clint who was happy for having birthday and had some struggles with the correct spelling to knitting his brows because of the awful dad. Clint seemed not to have liked his birthday for the same reasons other kids his age used to love it. It made rather the impression that he had enjoyed it as this was the only day his father hadn’t hit him. Steve’s expression went sad. He had had no idea what a bad childhood Clint had had. But at least, he knew now why the archer hadn’t made a big deal out of the fact that he had beaten him before they had mated: he simply was used to be treated this way by authorities since he had been a child. The blond swallowed. It shouldn’t be like this. Clint shouldn’t accept being maltreated as a given. He had to take care that he never would lose it and slap him ever again. There must be other possibilities to cope with opposite opinions of his Omega.

Steve pushed the unpleasant thought how wrong he had behaved aside. He simply hadn’t learned to deal with such problems in another way. Still, he didn’t want to take this as an excuse. He had copied the behavior of other Alphas without asking and had to bear the consequences.

Trying to imagine how Clint had been like a kid he started to smile again. Maybe the next entry that had been made short after the first one could help him:

> _18 th October 1978_
> 
> _Dad is constantly drunk. He’s hitting mom every day. Yesterday, he threatened her with a knife. Barney said he would run away. But I don’t want to. I want to stay and fight. Hope I’ll never get as helpless as mom. I’m going to help her._

That was his mate. Always kept his chin up. Really absolutely always. Proudness filled Steve. But there was something else too: a spark of understanding. Understanding why Clint always wanted to have control over everything, why it was important for him to care for weaker people but never allowed anyone else to help him in return.

With this insight, Steve flipped the page, only to realize that Clint hadn’t written into it for over one year. Well, as he had already thought: the archer simply wasn’t the guy who wrote on a regular basis.

> _2 nd November 1979_
> 
> _Mom was killed in a car crash. I.. I don’t know what to write. I miss her so much. I just want her back! It simply can’t be true. I need her. How could she leave me? I’m so alone. Barney is completely unaffected. He said he will take care of us now but Police wants to take us to an orphanage. I don’t wanna go there. I want to stay here, where mommy ~~is~~ was._
> 
> _Barney has beaten me pretty bad. He doesn't want me to cry in his presence. I have to be strong._
> 
> _Oh, and dad is dead too._

The paper was curled and the ink bled partly because of the tears that must have had streamed over Clint’s face while he had reported on those devastating events with a shaking hand. Steve’s eyes filled with water. He had had knowledge of Clint’s family being dead but the younger had never talked about it. So he had never known in which tragic way they had passed away and how young Clint had been. He had never been aware how soon his childhood had ended and wasn’t sure if he ever had one at all being abused by his dad long before.

Tears started to roll over the soldiers face and washed the last remains of his anger about Clint’s disappearing away. He knew exactly how Clint must have felt like as he himself had lost his parents at a young age. Steve sniveled, wiped his tears away and had another look at the entry. The last sentence caught his attention. It stood out from the rest as it obviously wasn’t written like the first part full of pain and grief. It was just a bald statement. Completely emotionless. Clint must really have hated his dad. No wonder as brutal as he must have been..

Steve swallowed. A slap echoed agonizingly in his head. It was the sound it had made when he had punched Clint. His thought “No wonder Clint hated his dad as brutal as he had been” changed into “No wonder Clint hates you as brutal as you are”. Tormented by this memory, Steve pressed his hands on his ears to silence the sound and repeated over and over again: “I’m sorry!” till he screamed it out loud.

Breathing heavily, he regained his composure only with big effort. He had only done it because Clint had provoked him. Yes, that had been the reason. It wasn’t his fault. It… Steve stopped his own train of thought, knowing he just searched for bad excuses. Diverting himself, he brought his focus back on the diary.

A very short entry followed, consisting only of five words: _“I miss her so much!”_ and Steve knew immediately whom Clint meant with “her”. Looking at the date, it had been Clint’s first birthday without his mom. He had turned nine. Of course, the young boy had missed her. Who wouldn’t have done that? The muscular man sitting on Clint’s bed fought again against his tears and pushed the wish to have been there for Clint aside. It was long ago and how should he have been there for him? He had been on ice back then. Still, it hurt his heart that he hadn’t been there when his partner had needed someone. Tenderly, Steve stroked over the page, pressed the diary against his heart and poised like this for a while as if he could hold the young, lonely Clint in his arms and console him. No wonder Clint had issues with relationships and only connected hesitatingly with other persons. Not only because he had never learned what it meant to lead a relationship but also because he must be constantly afraid of losing someone. So he protected his heart and stayed mostly alone.

 

> _18 th June 1985_
> 
> _We are part of a circus! Barney and I finally did it and ran away from the damn orphanage. Never liked it there. Life is going to be freaking awesome!_

Steve smiled and went on reading what his mate had written one year later during August 1985:

> _1 st August 1985_
> 
> _Swordsman and Trick Shot are teaching me using bladed weapons and shooting arrows! So awesome! Buck says I’m talented. I could do this all day! The feeling of the bow in my hand, the twangy sound when I release the bowstring, the tingling in my tummy short before the arrow hits the bullseye, the pure satisfaction and happiness afterward. That’s how love must feel like. S’just perfect!_

Laughing out loud, Steve looked up from his reading and grinned. This was so typical Clint. Compared love with shooting arrows. On the other hand, why not? Cupid shot arrows too, didn’t he?

His light-hearted mood was dampened, however, when he realized that Clint had never really learned what being loved felt like and would always prefer the feeling of bow and arrow in his hand to the feeling of the touches of his Alpha on his skin. He sighed. It wouldn’t be easy to win against the gear and it wasn’t really flattering to lose against lifeless things.

The following outburst of pure happiness about having hit the Gold for the very first time distracted Steve and he truly was happy for Clint’s luck which shouldn’t last long. Steve furrowed his brows and chewed on his lips. Without even reading what had been written down, he could see the pure frustration and the anger that must have seized Clint. He had pressed the pen down so hard that his writing was still readable on the next pages without effort. All in all, the handwriting was almost aggressive, replaced the lower loops with hard upstrokes, and said the following:

> _3 rd February 1989_
> 
> _Just found out the circus makes Barney steal so we are allowed to stay. He didn’t say a word. He knows I’m thinking it’s not right and he didn’t want to burden me with it. Had a huge argument about it. I said I wanna leave the circus but he just laughed and asked where I want to go and that nobody needs a boy who can do nothing but shooting damn arrows. Then, he added I’d never gonna make it. He sounded just like dad. And the worst: he’s fucking right…_

Clenching his fist into the sheets underneath him, Steve needed quite a while to calm down. No one was allowed to talk to his Omega like this. How could anyone dare to claim Clint wasn’t good enough? And how could his chosen one believe those lies? Barney was lucky that he already was dead; otherwise, he would have had a huge problem now. In his anger, the Alpha forgot completely why he had started reading the diary and went on skimming through it to find out if there was anyone left who had treated Clint in a bad away and whom he could exact revenge for his Omega, instead of finding hints where Clint could have been gone.

A shaking handwriting attracted his attention and he decided to read the entry of the 24th March 1989:

> _24 th March 1989_
> 
> _I don’t know what to write. I’m so ~~confused~~ …No that’s not it. Aww, I don’t know. It feels like a bad nightmare. But I’m not waking up. My life is over. I presented as an Omega three days ago._

The word “Omega” was written smaller than the other words and it seemed as Clint had been insecure with writing it down as if he couldn’t believe himself what he had to tell. Unconsciously, Steve held his breath and his heartbeat sped up.

> _It feels so unreal. It all started with me having stomachache and fever. Thought I was getting sick. But Barney behaved weird. His look was sorrowful and at the same time desirous?? Never have seen him like this. When my condition got worse, he brought me away secretly. Spent the last days in a shabby motel on my own. Barney almost ran away as soon as he had taken me there. Can’t remember much. Just that it was hell. Pure hell. I never want to undergo this ever again. I feel like crap._
> 
> _My whole body hurt and I couldn’t think straight. – That made me feel afraid the most. On top of it, I constantly had the desire to fuck someone. Yes, fuck, not make sweet love. But Barney had locked the door and I couldn’t get out. Knocked on the door, screamed for help. Even begged but no one came to help me. Last thing I can remember were suddenly very wet trousers. I was so embarrassed. I didn’t know what was going on. Barney says it’s called self-lubrication and totally normal. Still, I think it’s embarrassing._
> 
>  

_> >The young Omega looked up from his writing and his look fell upon his stained trousers he had just described. His head turned red. Being both angry and ashamed of himself, he grabbed it and chucked it along with his boxers under the bed out of his sight. Hoping that his brother would soon visit him again and bring him new clothes, he tried to come to terms with what had happened to him the way he always did it when he had problems: he wrote into his diary, feeling connected with his too soon deceased mom._

 

> _Barney said I’m not allowed to come back. It’s dangerous. He says the circus people would try to make a profit with me if they ever would find out what I am. I don’t wanna be one. I’ve seen how mom suffered. Don’t want to end like her. When I told Barney that I’m not an Omega, ‘cause Omegas usually present already at the age of 14, he just laughed and meant, I’ve always been special. Don’t know what he meant with that. Then, he got serious and said I’ve to accept it and that I can’t change it. But I’ll show him that I can. I’ve sworn to help people like my mom when I’m strong enough. How should I do this if I’m one of them?? No, I’m definitely just ill and everything will be fine soon. It simply has to be like this._
> 
>  

>> _A determined look appeared on Clint’s face and he clenched to the hope that he really just had gone through a weird disease no one had ever heard of before. He was too old to turn into an Omega. Everything was alright. He would return to the circus and go on preparing his newest performance. It would be like nothing had happened._

_For a short moment, he pondered if he should add something to his entry but he had said everything he had to say. So he closed his book and hid it under his pillow._

 

The words which had been written over two decades ago hit the reading man right in his heart. Not only because he remembered how it had felt when he himself had presented as if it had been just yesterday and how afraid he had been. No, mainly because he felt ashamed. Ashamed about the fact that he had told Clint not long ago that he had to accept what he was: an Omega. He hadn’t been aware that those words weren’t helpful at all but actually very hurting. Now that he had it in black and white, he realized how cruel it was to say to someone to accept something this person didn’t want with all his heart. That’s why Clint had, in his eyes, not only overreacted but behaved like he was annoyed when he had wanted him to admit that he was an Omega – because he hadn’t heard the “Accept it!” for the first time. Steve realized now how cruel it was to demand it.

The blond read the entry once more and startled. Clint had written that he had presented at an untypical age. The Super Soldier looked up, found the year, and didn’t need to be a math genius to notice that Clint had already been 18 years old. He was flabbergasted. That had been very late indeed. He must have thought that he was a Beta and suddenly when no one had expected it anymore, he had turned into an Omega. It must have felt so devastating and unreal. It had hit him without a warning and without preparation. No wonder that Clint had problems with accepting it till today.

Obviously, it had agitated him extremely. At least, he had added another report only one day later:

> _25 th March 1989_
> 
> _Barney visited me in company with another guy. First, I was happy as I was pretty damned bored to have to be inside this room all day. I’m fine again. Everything is alright. Barney must have been wrong with his diagnosis. The guy was strange. Only talked to my brother. Like I was too dumb to understand him. Pshaw! They talked about a tidy sum. And the stranger eyeballed me from head to toe. He even reached for my jaw and wanted to check my teeth. Treated me as if I was an animal. It took me a while till it hit me. They were negotiating for me! Still can’t believe it! First, my brother warns me against the circus people but then he wants to sell me too! He didn’t care for me a second. Just was afraid to miss out on a good stroke of business. He wanted to make cash with me! I got very angry – I still am – and hit the Alpha unconscious. Ha, he hadn’t seen that coming. I wanted to go. But Barney didn’t let me. He got upset too and explained he would have done it only for my best and that I should be happy to get an Alpha at all. Yeah, sure.. s’just for my best.. I know it’s not true. I’m not a dummy. Have I ever mentioned that he’s like dad? He just wants money. I saw the glance in his eyes when they spoke about the price. – My price. About what I am worth. My own brother! The last family I had… I always wanted to be like him. So strong, fearless, and independent. I looked up to him. But now…_

_> > Cheerlessly, Clint gave a laugh. Apparently, he had a knack for choosing the wrong role model. First, his mentors who turned out to be criminals and now his brother who wasn’t one jot better. To protect himself from the wind, he pressed himself closer into the little alcove he was sitting although it was cold against his naked upper body. His lips were already blue and he breathed over his fingers which slowly stiffened making it impossible to continue writing. He didn’t even have shoes; only wore an old pair of jeans. A sound made him tense and prick his ears. The whole situation made him afraid and when he was sure that it had just been the wind, he turned his attention back to his report to distract himself to not be driven insane by his own fears. He had to be strong now. His confidence was all that was left._

> _Currently, I’m on the run. Again. But the first time all on my own. Grabbed my book and jumped out of the window. Hadn’t time to dress. Guess this is the last day I’ve seen Barney in my life. But I don’t care. He yelled I would come back anyway. But I won’t. Don’t need anyone. Don’t know where to go but I swear I’ll stay alone forever. I won’t let myself be ruled by anyone. And no one can buy me. I’m not a thing. I’m a living being. I have rights too. Period._

Not being able to hold his rage back any longer, Steve ripped the page out of the diary and crumpled it up. Barney hadn’t seriously done this to his own brother. The Alpha bristled with anger. Apparently, this sleazebag was still alive, although Clint had always claimed that his complete family was dead. But Steve could understand that Barney was kind of dead and buried for him too.

Goosebumps covered Steve’s body when he remembered how he himself had only been so lucky to never have to experience something similar because his mother had been very protective and had somehow managed to hide him from the unrelenting world. Guiltily, he hung his head. How could he sit here, being happy to have been able to hide his original gender so well, whilst he had accused Clint of doing that too? What had the archer asked him? “Why are you allowed to do so and I’m not?” Yes, actually why? The question echoed agonizingly in his head just like the sound of the slap had before and he couldn’t really give an answer to it. Maybe he simply had forgotten how awful the whole situation was as he was very strong nowadays and hadn’t to deal with such things anymore.

Before he continued reading, he smoothed down the page as good as possible and laid it back in place carefully.

The following, very short entries were written solely on days Clint had birthday or “celebrated” his second birthday – the day when he had turned into an Omega:

> _21 st March 1990_
> 
> _Damn this day._

 

> _7 th January 1991_
> 
> _Wish I was never born._

 

> _21 st March 1991_
> 
> _Life sucks. Wish I was anyone else. Anywhere else._

 

In between were a lot of undated comments like: _“It’s going kinda bad.”, “Everything sucks.”, “Damn.”, “Clint, you moron!”_ If anyone would have made the attempt to find something positive, he wouldn’t hit paydirt as there was absolutely nothing positive. Not a single entry with the smallest hint of happiness. Clint really must have had a hard time. He sounded so depressive and embittered.

The Captain’s heart sank and he wondered how Clint had managed to survive this time. Not only because he hadn’t had an Alpha but also because he obviously hadn’t much will to live left. However, there must have been something that had animated him to go on and endure his hard life instead of ending it. Steve couldn’t tell if it had been the pure stubbornness of the archer that disallowed him to give in no matter how desperate the situation was, or if it had been the desire to proof his brother wrong that he would never get anywhere. But whatever it had been, he was very thankful for it.

Silently, Steve swore to himself, if he had found Clint again, he would throw for him the best birthday party he ever had. His Omega had never celebrated his birthday, apparently because he connected only bad things with it and the Captain was determined to change the day into what it should be: a day of rejoicing.

 

> _8 th February 2009_
> 
> _Can’t believe it! I’m part of S.H.I.E.L.D.! That’s the Strategic Homeland… uh, whatever. I’m an Agent!! They want me for my shooting skills and they thought I was a real Alpha. Couldn’t get any better. If only Barney could see me right now. Ha, his eyes would pop out. And mommy… She would be so proud. Or actually, if I’m honest: I don’t know. I’m losing her. I hardly can remember her voice and her image is disappearing. But I still miss her like she passed away just yesterday._

 

Finally! Relieved, Steve heaved a sigh and reached for his heart.. Finally, something had happened in his mate’s life that had given him a perspective and made himself proud. After almost exactly twenty years. Disbelieving, Steve turned back to the pages when Clint’s misery with being an Omega had started. But right. It really said 1989. And the first positive entry since then had been written in 2009.

In awe, Steve looked up. Had Clint really been able to survive twenty years all on his own as an Omega, full of bitterness and hate for himself? How was this even possible? Did he really have something Alpha-like in his system, as he claimed to have, that had kept him alive? For a moment, Steve wished Clint would have written more often into his journal but he was already more than lucky that Clint had done it occasionally at all and that he had kept his diary as a faithful companion for all these years.

 

> _13 th May 2010_
> 
> _Worked together with my favorite handler - > Coulson. He’s a nice Beta. Don’t have to be afraid of him. Though, he’s a lil bit weird. Loves paperwork and stuff. And he always wears such uncomfortable suits (looks good though) and often sunglasses – even at night. That’s kinda stupid. - Stupid and badass. Love it!_
> 
> _Anyway, almost shot a strange dude who wanted to steal a hammer that’s stuck in the earth. It’s not going out. Tried it myself. It’s not movin’. Sure, that’s weird but I still dunno why they are making such a fuss about it. Go to the DIY store and get another one. Simple as that._
> 
> _Aww, damn. Forgot the water for the coffee on the stove…_

The captain grinned. That was so typical Clint. In his mind’s eye, he saw him jumping up and running to the stove only to realize that his water had been vaporized already completely, pouting: “Aww, water, no.”

With every single letter Steve read which his chaotic friend had written down, his longing for him grew. He missed him so much. In the desperate need to feel closer to him, he reached for the blanket, wrapped it tight around his body and inhaled Clint’s scent deeply. He needed the idiosyncratic archer in his life but Clint didn’t want him. With his face turning sad, he took another deep breath and concentrated back on the book in his hands:

> _3 rd February 2012_
> 
> _Wanted to buy supplies of suppressants today. But my dealer betrayed me. This bastard lured me into a trap. Thought I was safe with the information I had against him and my connection to S.H.I.E.L.D. I even appeared as an Alpha and was convinced he thought I’m just buying it for someone else. Apparently, I was wrong. Should as always have searched for a new dealer. But that’s not that easy. There are not so many of them and every new person is a new risk. So I went to the same as the last few times. S’not too smart. I know. They’ve waited for me. Five guys were at the arranged spot. Luckily, I could take a flight. - Thanks to S.H.I.E.L.D.’s combat training. Every time I’m risking my life for pills I don’t even know if they work. It’s so exhausting. Sometimes the effect is just like zero and what do I know what they mix into it. One day it will kill me for sure but till then they will help me to lead a free and self-determined life. Just realizing how damn lucky I’ve been before I was a trained agent. Don’t even want to think about what could have happened. But okay, stealing the pills was less dangerous. Maybe I should have gone on doing this. I am a thief. Why deny that? But now that I have money to pay for it.. Damn morale. Whatever. Smashed one guy’s jaw and the knee of another one. He won’t walk anywhere anytime soon. Guess I bashed all of them pretty much up. Not bad. Anyway, I’m gonna train harder now. – Just to be on the safe side._

Steve’s heart skipped a beat and he pressed appalled his hands on his mouth. Although it was only logical, he never had been aware how dangerous it was for Omegas to purchase suppressants. When he had been young, his mother had done this as she had – working in a hospital - good connections. The soldier felt how bile raised and a lump built in his throat. Hadn’t he forbidden Clint to take those pills? How hypocritical could someone – could he - be? He didn’t understand himself anymore.

If those drugs wouldn’t be illegal no Omega had to put his life on the line and.. Steve uttered a little outcry. Oh no! He had destroyed Clint’s stocks and now he was there somewhere outside and had to buy new ones. He hadn’t even his fake Alpha scent with him as he had taken it away as well. An icy fist clenched around his heart. If his love would die because of this.. He didn’t even dare to think about it.

Agitated, he jumped to his feet and ran up and down, tugging on his hair nervously. He had to find him before that happened! Resolutely, he opened the diary for the nth time and continued reading as fast as possible. He hadn’t finished the third February so he went on there:

> _And the day continued sucking: I met Captain America._

Again, the Captain held his breath and wouldn‘t have been astounded if reading this diary would suffocate him as often as he stopped breathing during the last minutes. But this time he was neither worried about his Omega nor angry. No. This time the reason for being nervous and getting sweaty palms was the mentioning of himself. Now he could read it in cold print how much Clint despised him. His hand started to shake slightly and the letters became indistinct in front of his eyes before he had himself enough under control to focus again:

> _Yes, the Super Soldier himself! He’s awesome. Coulson introduced us in a meeting. Phil was quite nervous and blushed but tried to play cool. Bet he has a crush on the Captain. Can’t blame him. The Captain looked at me friendly but I could see in his eyes that he wasn’t impressed. Coulson laughed that I always look like this, you know, with all those band-aids and bandages all over me and a fresh shiner from the morning. Well, buying illegal drugs isn’t that easy. But of course, I can’t tell them. If they would stop laughing if they knew? Coulson added that I easily could get sponsored by a medical company and Cap grinned slightly. Saw the corners of his mouth twitch. Soo embarrassing. Whatever, I’m sure he has forgotten me already anyway. Why should he remember a mess like me?_
> 
> _At least they didn’t make fun about my busted stuff as everyone else is usually doing. They think I don’t care for it. But that ain’t true. If only they would know how damn expensive suppressants, fake Alpha scent, and all such illegal things are.. Sometimes I would love to blurt out with it to make them stop making fun of me. But I can’t._

Smiling slightly, Steve remembered exactly how they had met the first time. It had been a snowy and gray day. He had been tired and not really in the mood for a meeting. But Coulson wasn’t easy to get rid of. And what must be must be. When Clint had entered the room a little bit too late and with a cheeky “Sorry, Cheese, had a quarrel with a coffee machine” on his lips, showing on his black eye and a paper cup in his hand, letting himself fall nonchalantly on the chair next to him, it had been like the sun arose. He remembered how he had tried to look as serious as possible to don’t let anyone know that his heart had made a jump as soon as he had seen the young agent and that he had melted like snow in the sun when Clint had started to speak with his beautiful voice, looking him deeply into his eyes.

Now, he knew that his shiner had been the result of a fight for his life and that it wasn’t funny at all. But back then he couldn’t help but admit that Coulson was right and that Clint would fit perfectly into an advertisement for bandages.

Scratching his head, Steve was a little bit irritated by Clint’s comment about Coulson being into him though. Having no idea how the archer came up with that weird idea, he turned the page:

> _5 th May 2012_
> 
> _Correction: He remembered me. The Cap remembered me! And he wants me in his team! It’s called the Avengers… or something like that? That would be so, so awesome! Me an Avenger! But I dunno what to do. The team consists solely of Alphas. Very strong Alphas. The strongest of all. Sure, S.H.I.E.L.D. too. But there are also some Betas and I can stay on my own. I do my missions alone. Avengers means family. At least, that’s what Cap said… Family…_

Family.. Yeah, he had wanted to be that for Clint and now..?

 

> _7 th May 2012_
> 
> _Screw it! I’m gonna be an Avenger!_

 

_> > It was during May 2012. Dazed, Clint sat on the dirty ground of an industrial building. A couple of men were lying unconsciously around him whilst one was standing in front of him, still holding a gun is hands. They stared each other in the eye._

_The man in the perfectly fitting suit approached Clint who flinched back and tried to jump up. But a serious look let him freeze. An awkward silence followed, and the Omega didn’t know what to do. Finally, the Beta started to talk: “Are you alright?” Insecure, Clint nodded. “Okay, then let’s go.” Saying this, the man turned around and was about to leave. Clint exclaimed: “Wait!” The man came back. The archer picked himself up slowly and asked: “How did you find me, Phil?” His handler smiled and explained: “Followed you. I always asked myself where my best agent goes when he says goodbye to Natasha as if he might never come back, being every time very nervous before and often beaten up afterward.” Abashed, Clint looked away. “Now you know.” Phil’s smile broadened even more: “Yes, now I know.” The younger man’s eyes went big: “Aren’t you mad?” His counterpart seemed to think about it for a while but shook his head eventually. “Why should I be mad about what you are? Maybe I’m a little bit angry that you didn’t tell me and risked your life, but otherwise… no, I’m not mad.” A slight smile sneaked on the archer’s fearful face but disappeared immediately. He hung his head: “So..uh.. guess I’m fired?” “Hey, I told you I’m not mad, but I can get angry if you say something as stupid as this again. Haven’t you listened? You are my best agent! I don’t care what gender you are or what you aren’t!” For a moment, Clint stared at him as if he couldn’t process what he just had heard. Then, suddenly, he wrapped his hands around Phil and squeezed him. A little tear stole from his eyes and stained Coulson’s shirt. Whispering “Thanks, Phil. Thanks for saving me and thanks for accepting me!” he enjoyed to feel Phil’s arms around him and his hands stroking soothingly over his back._

_They stood like this for quite a while, till Phil cleared his throat, pushed the Omega gently away and said softly: “We have to leave. The effect of the night-night gun won’t last forever.” Clint nodded and was on his way out when Phil reached for his hand and held him back. Searching for the archer’s eyes he asked him: “You know that you can trust me?” Clint looked questioningly. “That I won’t tell anyone about your secret,” explained Coulson. “I have just one condition: Let my organize in future everything you need okay?” The archer flinched and Phil corrected himself quickly: “No, not like everything. Just the suppressants and stuff, okay? You are already risking your life often enough with your job. Can’t afford it that you are out of action because of that, ‘kay?”_

Short after the incident in which Clint had tried to purchase suppressants, almost had been enslaved by heinous criminals and had been saved by Phil, he had described everything that had happened in detail and wasn’t sparing with praise for the brave Beta who had knocked out all his attackers on his own. Now, about two years later, Steve read it and didn’t know if he should be angry because Phil had known more than he had or happy that Clint hadn’t been harmed and on top had found a person he could really trust and count on.

***

> _21 st May 2012_
> 
> _Life with the other Avengers is great. Found a pretty good friend in Nat. Knew her already from S.H.I.E.L.D. Tony has a quite demanding personality but is a good sort and Thor (the weird dude from back then with the hammer) is just hilarious. He doesn’t really understand the rules of this world and isn’t really fitting in but tries his best to do so. Maybe that’s why I like him so much. And Bruce? Well, he’s just an incredibly nice guy. And the only Beta of the team. - At least, as long as he isn’t turning into the Hulk. Then, he becomes a big green, furious Alpha. Wish I could do this too… Not turning green, but you know… Would make things a lot easier._
> 
> _The only one I have a problem with is Cap. Don’t get me wrong. He’s still awesome but he’s simply too awesome. When he’s close, my knees go weak. I constantly have to smile like a weirdo when someone just mentions his name. The training combats with him are… I dunno how to describe it. I just love it when he holds me in his arms although it’s just to smash me on the ground. Doesn’t matter._

Irritated, Steve looked up. That wasn’t the hateful entry he had, despite Clint’s praise for him a few entries before, expected. It rather almost sounded like Clint was into him. At least, it resembled his own feelings for him perfectly. Had the younger just admitted his love to him? No, no, no. That couldn’t be true. Steve shook desperately his head. That was devastating news. - Devastating because it would mean that both of them had had feelings for each other but never had been brave enough to let the other one know. Oh, if only he hadn’t cared about the opinion of other people that a romantic relationship consisting out of two Alphas wasn’t “normal”. They could have been a happy couple. No, he simply must have interpreted the passage wrong. To proof it, he went on reading, being convinced that Clint had been just sarcastic and would have mentioned anything mean about him following this:

> _Today, he held his hand out to me to help me up. His smile by doing so… It tingled when I touched him. A moment, we stared each other in the eyes. Man, does this guy have long and full lashes. Don’t know if the felt the tingling too. Or… Did he realize that I’m an… Shit! It’s possible. My behavior wasn’t unsuspicious at all. I ran away into the locker room to check if my pheromone blocker was still working. And with I ran “into” the locker room I really mean “into”. Was so nervous that I missed the door and walked straight into the wall. Man, that hurt. Must have looked like an idiot. But at least, I’m pretty sure the blocker was working. So Cap shouldn’t have been able to notice the truth. But the way he looked at me… Maybe I better should keep distance. But that won’t be easy. I love his whole attitude. And I love to curse in front of him because he pays me attention then. But I have to end this. I can’t blow my cover just because a moron like me…_

It looked like Clint had stopped and had needed a while till he had continued writing, what Steve recognized because of the ink and his handwriting had changed slightly.

> _…has to fall in love with him. Why? Why the hell do I love him? He’s just perfect and my role model. I hope I’ll be able to get a Super Soldier serum injected too one day and change into what I really am: an Alpha._

Steve’s heart skipped a beat and he blushed. Neither did he care for the fact that the “I love him” was crossed out with a red marker and an angry “No I don’t!” had been scrawled over it in a way that even the page had been torn by it nor for Clint wanting to change into an Alpha. Clint truly loved him! Being left in disbelief, he whispered smilingly “I love you too!” and turned the page:

> _30 th July 2012_
> 
> _I still have troubles to withstand the Alpha voices of the colleagues. Fortunately, they are using them rather seldom and don’t direct them towards me. That makes it easier. At least, a little bit._

***

_1 st August 2012_

> _Damn, staying away from him ain’t easy. I behave like an enamored teenager. I even imagined how it would be to have him on my side as my Alpha and how I would tell him that my body isn’t as my mind is and as I let everyone believe. Maybe he would understand. At least, he was it too. But in the end, I didn’t dare to risk it. Still, can’t stop thinking about it. Ah, damn! That could blow my cover! But I want to be an Alpha like the others. I want to make my own decisions, fight battles, protect the weak… That’s when I feel alive. I want to be happy and independent. That’s me. I’m not weak. My damn body is sometimes. But I’m not. I don’t wanna spent all day at home pleasing a smug Alpha. I have to go. Have to get away from Steve. I’ll ask Coulson for a mission. Maybe I can leave my feelings for Steve wherever my mission will lead me._

***

> _9 th September 2013_
> 
> _Blew an Omega human-trafficking gang. But we were too late. Most of the pure guys were already bonded. Everyone of the team was in a bad mood after this but they didn’t understand why I was so extremely upset. If only they would know… This could have been me…_

The mentioning of being in extreme danger made Steve who got a little bit tired wide awake again and quickly, he thumbed throw the journal to a more up to date entry:

> _1 st May 2014_
> 
> _Don’t have a lot of time to write. ~~Steve~~ The Alpha surely will look for me soon. But I’ve to “talk” to someone now. It feels like my whole world just crashed down. He bonded with me. I was under the shower. He came in. Don’t know what he did there late in the night. Anyway. Doesn’t matter. He grabbed my neck. Forced me to the ground. Couldn’t do anything against it. He pressed his lips on mine and_

Clint hadn’t finished his sentence. It made the impression as if he hadn’t had the heart to write down what had happened next and his already shaky handwriting got even shakier and crabbed:

> _I can’t. I don’t need to describe it. I always will remember everything. It’s burned into my head. It haunts me in my sleep. I just want it to stop. Already tried but failed. First thing I did as soon as I could was visiting Coulson. I had hoped he would help me. Could organize me new suppressants like he always does or even frees me of this curse so I could continue a normal life without being reliant on the Alpha. I was wrong. He was truly sorry for me. Yeah, great. His sympathy doesn’t help me. He said he won’t interfere in our relationship._ _Relationship.. This ain‘t a relationship. This is hell._

The soldier was horrified to read how had it had been for Clint. – How the archer had experienced their first night together. Sure, he had already realized that he hadn’t behaved correctly but still.. Bursting out crying, he read the entry again, the tears making it hard to identify the single letters.

A couple of entries followed. The pages were wrinkled and curly, letters were hardly readable as water had dropped onto them. All in all, it seemed like Clint had written into his book several times a day being devastated, angry, and blinded by tears:

> _I seriously thought I know him. I thought he is the most generous and noble person I’ve ever met. When you are with him you want to show your best. You just want to be good because he is. I thought his name stands for freedom. Apparently, I was wrong. Maybe freedom is just worth fighting for Alphas. Not for Omegas. How could I ever think I love him? And why the hell is there still something inside me that says exactly this? –That I love him. I mean of course, not like this but.. Dunno how to describe it. It’s weird. Maybe I’ve just fallen in love with an illusion and now it’s hard to accept it ain’t true. Maybe I just don’t want the good ol’ times when Steve had respected me to be over. How could he do this to me? And why does he call on me every day to say that I’m an Omega? Does he think this will make me accept it one day? Because if he thinks so, he’s wrong. I just say it because he forces me to do so. But I don’t mean it. Just because I was born with this body doesn’t mean that I am one. I don’t want to be reduced to it. No one should. I’m so much more._

***

> _In the mood to get drunk. Really, I would love to booze my brain out of my head. Tony’s “mini” bar with his hundreds of bottles filled with the finest and - most important - high percentage alcohol would be just perfect! Unfortunately, he locked it and installed a security system ‘cause Thor kept helping himself. This guy really has no limit. Dammit._

***

> _The Avengers Tower is turning into a gilded cage. The Alpha is trying to be nice. Even bought me a bunch of flowers. As if this would atone for what he has done to me. And do I look like I like flowers?! If it would have been at least a bunch of arrows. That would have been cool. Not that I would have let him know. I don’t want presents of this man. But as I said: that would have been cool at least. But I’ll never get such a present. S’too dangerous. When I wanted to participate in a battle (nothing big, nothing dangerous) he disallowed it. He said I’m too weak after the heat. I told him that’s not true and he meant it was too dangerous for me and our baby.. Our baby.. Then he looked at me, his glance getting soft and stroked gently over my belly. But I know that there’s nothing inside me. I can feel it. I know that I don’t carry a child under my heart. I just know it. But what if I’m wrong and actually am pregnant? I mean after sharing the heat with ~~Steve~~ the Alpha it’s a given. But I’m not ready for a kid yet. I don’t know if I would be a good dad. It makes me afraid. I don’t want to be such a loser like my father.. But shouldn’t I see or feel already first signs? I never cared for Omega stuff so I don’t really know, but I’ve heard it goes faster than a Beta pregnancy. I heard Omegas can notice it already one week after.. It’s now six days ago.. So either I’m a terrible dad or I’m right and there is simply nothing. What if I’m infertile ‘cause of the years-long substance abuse? ~~Steve~~ The Alpha will be so mad at me. He wanted me to breed and now I can’t and it’s my fault. He hates suppressants. He made that clear. If he finds out about it.. I’d be worthless as an Omega. I’m nothing. I’m no Alpha and now even not an Omega anymore. Steve shall never find it out. He’s gonna be so disappointed. I am a disappointment. On the other side: Why do I care about his feelings.. That’s not my problem, right? He could have had any Omega. It’s his own fault if he was so stupid to choose me. Still, I think it’s better to go.. Wanted to do this anyway. If I just could.._

***

> _Steve joined me on the shooting range and is very interested in everything. Really just like_ everything _. He asks a lot of questions about my arrows, why I choose which bow and stuff. It’s great to talk to someone about it! But I have the suspicion that he’s just doing this to keep an eye on me. He just wants to make sure that I don’t do anything stupid… like hurting me or whatever. Great… I always wanted to have a manny…not._

***

> _Can’t bear the glances of the others anymore. And Nat is pretty disappointed that I’ve never told her my secret. She didn’t say anything but I can see it in her eyes. But we all have secrets, haven’t we?_

***

> _“I hate you”_

Steve didn’t know whether Clint meant him – what was unlikely as he thought the diary was his secret. Therefore, no one -including Steve - would ever read it. So why direct something to him? – So did Clint mean himself?

***

> _“I just want him out of my life”_

Well, considering the fact that Clint had started to replace Steve’s name with a distanced “The Alpha” or crossed it out in most cases when he accidently had written “Steve”, he already had – literally – started to scratch him out of his life.

***

> _I know I’ve other problems right now than complaining about an awful pet name. But c’mon, “darling”… Seriously? As if the whole situation isn’t already bad enough._

Steve was dumbstruck. What was so wrong about darling? That was a classic! But well.. If Clint couldn’t stand it, he had to come up with something better. And he already knew what it would be. A smile sneaked on his lips. It would fit the archer more than perfectly. He only hoped that he would be able to use it one day.

***

> _He made me my favorite meal: pizza and sandwiches. And with he made it, I really mean he made the pizza all by himself. Wasn’t just a bought oven-ready meal. He brought it to me along with my favorite movie. Could have been a perfect movie night. But although I’m starved I don’t get a crumb down. And I can’t simply sit next to Steve, enjoy the film, knowing exactly that he’s not my friend but my owner. I can’t pretend that we are a perfect little family. Well, after quite a while, the stomach rumbles went so loud that I myself was annoyed by it. So I simply had to eat something to silence it. But I never would have asked him if there’s still pizza left. I don’t have longstanding practice in swiping food of the colleagues out of the fridge for nothing. The art is to not eat everything. Only here and there a bit. I know I shouldn’t do it. But I’ve learned it as a kid to survive and now it kind of gotten a habit and they don’t even realize it. Just Cap’s food… I usually eat it completely. Just to annoy him. He always gets in a lather in such a sweet way when his meal is gone again and can’t figure out who the thief is. In the end, it’s his own fault. His cooking skills are simply awesome. He makes everything fresh. But he never lets anyone watch him. Bet he wears a pink kitchen apron with frills and doesn’t want anyone to see him in this. Arrrg, those pictures in my head: the ripped guy in such clothes. And his coffee… Best coffee ever. Never makes it with a machine. Always brews it on the stove._
> 
> _Fuck! I’m swooning over him like I’ve done before he…_

The diary had a lot of dog-ears and was wrinkled. Steve could imagine vividly how the archer had erupted in anger about himself and had thrown the diary against the wall.

***

> _Keep killing Steve in my dreams. Yes, Steve. Not the Alpha. It’s a world in which such things like Alpha/Omega don’t exist. Crazy, right? But would be so awesome. Whatever. Thinking about it makes me just depressive. I’m plagued by those nightmares. On the other hand, I also enjoy them a little bit. At least, I can get my revenge there. Wish I would never wake up. The dreams are so much better than reality. So I’ve killed Steve with my arrows – needless to say, that it has been a perfect headshot. Next night I simply strangled him to death with my bare hands. One time I sliced his throat with pleasure and the last time I rammed my dagger into his heart.. Or where one should be. Steve doesn’t have a heart._

 

It was already after lunchtime when Steve put the book down and it took him another hour to come to terms with everything he just had learned about his mate. It had been interesting – suddenly so many habits of Clint made sense -, stirring, and exhausting as he went through so many intensive feelings in a short time. However, now that he had finished it stayed only one feeling: guilt. Guilt for having invaded Clint’s privacy – and with that, he meant both: having read his diary and having mated him unasked. However, he could undo none of it. He sighed deeply, knowing now what a bad person he was but not having a clue where Clint could have been gone as the journal hadn’t contained a hint. Sorrow about his Omega mixed into his feelings of guilt. Burying his face in his hands, he whispered: “Where are you, Clint?”


End file.
